Critical Ingredient for a Healthy Relationship

I typed this post in 2014 and somehow never finished it. Seeing as I still believe the same thing 4 years later I thought I'd finish it.

When people ask me 'what are some of the most important things that make marriage work?' my top 3 always includes open communication. 

There are many important things in any relationship like trust, mutual respect, selflessness, shared values, etc but for me the most important thing in any relationship is to be known, loved and accepted for who you are. I think open communication plays a critical role to build that kind of love.

It builds it better that financial security, having children, sexual intimacy, companionship, etc.

It goes beyond just talking, being able to make your point or being right. It's being in a relationship where you are free to open up about the real things that are in your heart as 'raw' as they are while having the assurance that your acceptance is not affected. It's about having a platform to talk about anything without fear of being judged or rejected.

I also believe this is one of the most important things for any type of relationship.

Do you see me? Am I heard?

Deep down everyone wants to know "Do you see me? Am I heard?" We tend to value relationships where we know people see (hear, notice) us. We tend to be suspicious of people's motives when we think they don't hear us, people who are all about them being hear and them making their point. 

Shame and insecurity in relationship come when we feel our status in the relationship will change when we share openly what we feel.

When there are unspoken things between two people that creates is a wall of separation that breaks oneness. Whatever the thing is, if it remains unspoken there is a gap in intimacy and the gap grows the longer it's left unspoken. Intimacy is when there is nothing hidden between us. 

Intimacy is built by vulnerability in communication

It doesn't mean we fix everything, but it does mean we are able to hear each other on the matter. It doesn't mean we have to talk about everything now on the spot but it's having a culture where things aren't left unspoken indefinitely.

This is a habit that takes intentionally to build until it becomes a culture in a relationship. It doesn't come spontaneously (for most of us). It should but it doesn't. Our instinct is to want to protect self but 1 Corinthians 13:6 says love is not self seeking.

Insecurity and shame say: "If I speak about this, your view of me will change. If I tell you this, how can you keep loving me?"  but one of the deepest levels of intimacy to experience is when someone knows the inner most things in your heart or about you and still pours love your way. 

Does that mean the person doesn't correct you? No,love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth (1 Corinthians 13:6 NIV). It's having someone who can correct you and challenge you but you know their love isn't dependent on your performance to change. 

So who hears who first? 

Open communication works when I  come to hear first (to understand) and not when I come to be be heard first (to be understood).

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

• At our worst He gives His most
• At the height of our enmity He pursues not just to tolerate or meet halfway but He pours out His most.
• His starting place to give love first and not to demand love

It's this that challenges me. If both parties come to be heard first, no one wins.

Do we get this perfect? Nope. Culture is built i.e. it takes effort and it's built over time. Even when it's a culture, you still have to work to maintain it.

It's this the only main thing? No. There is also trust, forgiveness, compassion, fun, and others but if I had to choose one it's open communication.